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Ron forwarded this to me one day.  I love Lesson 7 about “A full-grown goat”.

And all these are so true…

Thinking of Having Kids?
Do this 11 step program first!

Lesson 1
1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already
are parents and berate them about their…
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s breastfeeding,
sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, an d overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all
the answers.

Lesson 3
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel…
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room
from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds,
with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing
loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to
sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until
1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and
watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up.. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard
and
be productive)
Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and
together.

Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out…
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all
summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does
that look?

Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang
out.
Time allowed for this – all morning.

Lesson 6
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don’t think
that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family
cars don’t look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the
back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your
foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7
Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can
find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If
you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one
goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your
sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily
accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the
swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.
You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney,
the Tele tubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the
Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you’re thinking
What’s ‘Noggin’?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying ‘mommy’ repeatedly. (Important:
no more than a four second delay between each ‘mommy’; occasional
crescendo to the
level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car
everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a
long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually
tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the ‘mommy’
tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation
with an adult while there is a child in the room.

There is an old Chinese saying: “Min Yi Shi Wei Tian” which says Cuisine is the most important thing in people’s lives.  I used to think otherwise.  Because I didn’t need to worry about filling my stomach.  There was always food ready when I needed it.  And I don’t usually care about the quality of my food, as long as it is not too bad.   I spent my time studying, reading, shopping, all kinds of stuff other than cooking food.  So why is cooking food important?  I never needed to cook.  Sometimes I even felt it was a chore to eat.  I had to stop whatever I was doing just because the food was ready!  Science is so advanced these days,  why won’t someone invent this kind of tablet that you just need to take one each meal and you are done!

I was too immature.  Taking all the work people do for me for granted.  After moving to Canada, real life began.  I am on my own.  No one is cooking for me, parents are far away on the other side of the earth.  Going to the restaurants is too expensive and time consuming – I have a pile of homework and reading to do.  I started cooking.  Fixing meals for myself was easy.  I cooked once and I didn’t have to worry for the next two days.   One good thing about living alone is that there is only one mouth in the family you need to feed.

Things are very different now when the family is expanded.  As the woman in the house, I take care of my loved ones.  This sense of responsibility is accelerating after the mother nature is booming.  I spend  a certain amount of time each day thinking what to make for meals.  And whether my boys will be happy with it.  Every day I am thinking the old saying is so true.  If we were still barbarians, Ron would be spending his whole day out hunting and I would be collecting the nuts and fruits around the cave.  Live to eat or eat to live, no matter what, if you want to live, you need to eat.  If you want to live well, eat well!

Danny, today, your daddy came back after dropping you off  and told me that you didn’t cry at all, in fact you even smiled to one of the teachers when she was getting you from daddy.  Mommy is so happy to hear that.  Mommy has waited this day for so long.   

Leaving you at the daycare is the toughest decision mommy had to make.  It is a long story that why you ended up at daycare when you were 16 months old.  But mommy has to confess that mommy was a bit selfish and mommy chose to get back to work when you were 13 months old.  Mommy didn’t want to spend all her time in the house.  And mommy thought to toughen you up, you are a boy, you have to be strong…  like your dad!

But mommy has been asking herself if she made the right decision or not ever since you started the daycare.  They say, 2-3 weeks, you will get used to it.  It didn’t happen.  1 month, 2 months, 3 months… everyday after mommy drops you off,  mommy keeps asking herself,  shall I quit my job and be a SAHM?  Seeing your sad face is a torture…  Some other experienced mommies told mommy that don’t give up, yet…

You don’t know how happy mommy was when I saw you happily running around in your classroom the other day.  Your smile melts mommy’s heart.   Mommy gets so excited when we go to pick you up everyday.  You are the sunshine for mommy and daddy.  Mommy is sorry that you weren’t all that happy last several months.   But this is the way to grow up, mommy thinks.  Life aren’t smooth, my boy.

You are growing up so fast.  Sometimes mommy would think that I may have missed the precious time to spend with you… But when I saw you always so eager to go out and play, then mommy thinks you will probably feel very bored to stay with mommy all day long.   Will ya?  (Mommy is not so much a social person, and is pretty much an indoor animal.  But mommy is changing for you. )

I know the day will come that you won’t be so dependant on mommy anymore.  But my boy, anytime, anywhere, in this world, mommy is here for you, always.  Because it is you made mommy!

Since Danny arrived in our world, our alarm clock has hardly been used.   His squeal is the first sound I hear in the morning (also the only sound I hear during the night).  His moaning will get me out of the bed like a spring — life really has changed for me.

Stepped out of our bedroom, it was almost 9 o’clock.  The living room and kitchen were soaked in sunshine.  I don’t know about other people, but I am just so easily cheered up by good weather.  My dad was preparing breakfast for us in the kitchen already and he seemed to be in a good mood as well.  I did all the morning routine on Danny, changed his diaper, wiped his little face, hands and creamed him up.  After he enjoyed his breakfast, I dressed myself up.  Ron had already done his morning routine as well.  Three of us went outside.  The lake looked so shining and smooth, the reflection was so strong that I couldn’t open my eyes.  Both of us went in and grabbed sunglasses.  I put a hat on Danny, no sunglasses for him, so most of time his eyes were closed under the sun.  There were people sitting on their deck on the water and reading.   It looked relaxing, but I don’t know how they could handle the heat and brightness for so long.  When we were going to take some photos near the cabin, John and Paul came by to ask if we wanted to go grocery shopping with them.   We didn’t really know what we had brought with us since my parents packed all the food, so we decided that we would go later if we needed to. 

Back in the cabin, talked with my parents about what we had in the fridge.  It turned out that there wasn’t much food we brought and we needed to shop after all.  Danny was already showing signs that he needed a nap.  I walked him a bit and he fell asleep (It is always easier to put him for a nap than a night sleep).  Julia came by and asked for a napkin for Lindsay.  Apparently there was a playground right in front of our cabin and they were playing there.  After some discussion of whether both of my parents would go shopping with Ron or one of them would go and if so, who would go, Ron and dad went shopping and mom left to cook for lunch.  Life is complicated, isn’t it?

Danny woke up and mom was cooking in the kitchen.  I thought I should take Danny out to have some fun instead of staying cooped up inside.  Why not go to join the ladies and kids in the playground?  Danny would be too little to play, but it is good to let him have a chance to interact with other kids and me to interact with other mothers.  I wasn’t sure if they would still be there since it had been a while since they came by.   I grabbed Danny immediately and went out.  They were not in the playground,  I was a bit disappointed.  When I turned back, I saw Judith and the kids walking across, but soon they disappeared from my sight.  I wanted to call her name, but they were too far away.  I ran after them, but Danny was heavy to carry.  I walked fast instead of running.  Fortunately, they couldn’t move fast either because of the kids.  When I walked to the lakeshore,  I could already see them ahead walking.  It looked like they were going back to their cabin.  I still wanted to catch them at least to say hi.  I walked behind them quietly.

Julia found me stalking them at first.  Just as I thought, they were going back to their cabin to make lunch for the kids. I decided to go to their cabin for a short visit since I had nothing to do.  Their cabin was so far!  When we arrived, I already felt like it was time for me to go back.  I sat in their cabin for a short while, while the ladies were busy tending their kids.  On the way back, I was worried that I wouldn’t have enough strength to hold Danny to walk such a long distance again.  But surprisingly the journey back to our cabin seemed shorter.  Maybe a mother’s power is endless, must be!

Back at our cabin, lunch was ready.  The shopping team wasn’t home yet.  I put Danny into the saucer so that I could rest a bit on the couch.  Danny just loves jumping.  He can play on his own for quite a while before he is bored in the saucer.  Shortly, the shopping team got back home and the fridge was packed with food.  When we were having lunch, Ron explained to my parents that the lake in front of us was called Rice Lake.  “Rice, the stuff we eat every day!  And really it grows here in the lake. “  My parents were very happy to know that, not only because of the rice, they are always happy to learn English and communicate with Ron.  My dad actually studies English everyday now.  But he complains that it just takes 2 minutes for him to forget the words he just learned.  When he was young, he had to learn Russian instead of English.  Mom doesn’t care about learning, but still she thinks talking to Ron loudly and slowly in Chinese somehow would help him understand better.

After lunch, Danny was ready for his second nap of the day.   I don’t know how other moms handle this, Danny’s two naps in the day just decrease my mobility level almost to 0.  I can’t really go anywhere or I don’t really want to?!  Ron wanted to join the other two families,  they were at the beach.  Danny was sleeping and I didn’t really want to leave him alone again.  Ron said he wouldn’t spend the whole day not doing anything fun at the cottage, so he picked up all his swimming gear and left first. 

After Danny woke up, it was late afternoon already.  I hesitated for a while whether I should take Danny to the beach or not.  Then I decided to go since the weather was still charming and really we were at a cottage…   We bought lots of swimming gear for Danny before the trip.  Including a floaty, a fancy swimming suit, and a speedo swimming hat.  I took them all with me and carried Danny in the baby carrier to the beach.  Luckily the guys were still there.  I was a bit disappointed to see the beach.  It was tiny, with some couches on it.    The definition of beach in my mind is covered with twinkly white sand.   Well, we are in a high latitude country, I should be appreciating this wonderful weather.  Ron wanted to take Danny into the water.   The water didn’t look enticing to me with all the weeds in it besides I felt it was cold already.   For Danny’s first swimming experience, this might not be good enough.  I told Ron that I don’t really want to go swimming in the lake so Danny won’t either.  Ron was a bit disappointed but as usual, he never tried hard to persuade me.  John heard our talking and he told me that the water was actually quite warm and even the slight coldness won’t cause any problem.   I was still hesitating.  John said Quinn was in the water and he was fine.  I was still trying to be stubborn: “It is getting dark, and the water must be cooler now than it was.”  John changed Quinn to his swimming suit and took him into the water!  Alright!  Quinn is 6 weeks younger than my boy.  Even if my boy has an overcautious, timid mom, he should be brave and try things.   Thanks John, Danny had his first lake swimming experience.   Danny’s response was not happy but not unhappy either.  Most time he was focusing on two fake plastic eyeballs on the floaty and playing with it. 

We joined John and Paul’s families for a BBQ dinner.  Instead of leaving Danny with my parents, we took him with us and the saucer.  On the long walk to their cabin, I carried Danny while Ron carried the saucer and our food.  Ron started to complain the saucer was heavy and his arm was sore shortly after we hit the road.  After we arrived, both of us were quite happy to put the load down.  Danny was put in the saucer and after that he didn’t ask for any attention until he was tired.  He just bounced and bounced happily while we were having our hamburgers.   Lindsay passed a pacifier to Danny, and it cracked me up.  What a lovely gesture for a baby!   Julia gave us a ride back to the cabin after Danny fell asleep in my arms.  Ron went back with her to their cabin for a kids-free get-together.  Really, with kids, it is hard to find quiet time for a nice chat with friends, only after kids are gone to bed.   I wanted Ron to enjoy the time with friends.

Day 2 at cottage, mom and dad still hadn’t done anything fun.  Although they said they enjoyed the fresh air and the sunshine.  Tomorrow, I hope we do something fun with them.

Ron wanted to tell me a story.  He said he figured that despite his nerdy statistic analyses, I probably would still like the story.    It turned out to be another miserable story.

There was a woman in England who had a baby that died from crib death( SIDS).  Then she had a second baby and unfortunately the baby also died of the same cause.  The police investigated the two infants deaths and decided that the woman must have murdered her babies since the incidence of crib death is so low that it should be impossible to happen in one family consecutively.   They arrested her and put her in prison for three years until she was released after they admitted they made a mistake.  She never recovered from the conviction and the imprisonment.   The woman died from alcohol intoxication shortly after she left the prison. 

“This trial and the conviction were based on erroneous statistical evidence…..”  Ron was talking excitely… he does that when he is in a nerdy mood and talking nerdy stuff and I usually ignore him.  My heart was hurting, after hearing the story.   No matter what evidence leading to her conviction, there is something seriously wrong.  No matter who judged her guilty, he/she was never a mother. The last thing a mother would do is hurt her baby.  If she ever does that intentionally, the place she should be put into is manic hospital instead of prison.  

This woman lost her first child was already a tragedy.  I would assume she probably blamed herself a lot for the loss of her baby.  It was already a miracle that she was able to have a second baby.   But life was so cruel to her.  Mishaps kept happening to her.  She must have collapsed after the second baby’s death.  But no, it was not enough,  there was a stupid moron doctor could not wait to see her dead.

I am so angered by this trial and keep thinking about the story these days.  I know courts and judges are ruthless, but please be gentle to mothers, because they are vulnerable!