During my maternity leave after Danny was born, we were thinking to go to Australia to visit my sister. But we didn’t make it for various reasons. One of them is, as a Chinese passport holder, I had to apply for a visa basically everywhere I go.  I was too tired of this visa shit and wanted to get myself a Canadian passport. Ron objects to this idea because that means I will have to apply for a visa when I go back to my home country! I agreed with him — I don’t want to lose my Chinese citizenship. I don’t know if I can ever get it back if I lose it.  But my hormones were quite imbalanced at the time and I decided not to be the only one in my family who has special problems when we are planning our family vacations. Those f**king visa application documents drive me mad!
So I applied for Canadian citizenship instead. And about a year later, I got my Canadian passport after I vowed to be loyal to Her Majesty — there was no going back after your application was submitted. I wasn’t feeling excited or anything during the citizenship ceremony. But I was quite happy when I got my passport two weeks after. No more visa shit! (I hope this does not offend people as for my intention of getting Canadian citizenship. I love living in Canada and the freedom it gives to me to tour around most of the countries without a visa. If it is not enough, I love my Canadian husband and my Canadian-born son.)
But I also love the place where I was born and raised. The food, the people and the culture.  Anyway, I had two valid passports, one Chinese and one Canadian. Canadian government allows for dual citizenship which is wonderful! So I am still a legal Chinese passport holder.
But I know this illusion will not last long. One day it will be torn up in front of my face. I thought I had a very long time to be prepared for the truth — I renounced my Chinese citizenship quietly, automatically.
Ron has a meeting in Shanghai soon. Both of my parents in Shanghai just had surgeries for their long term illnesses. I want to take the opportunity to go to Shanghai with Ron so we can see my parents and let Danny meet his cousin and aunt. One of the benefits of being jobless: you can go on a trip anytime you want.  This time, I am not the special one in the family, because 3 of us all need visas! Since I am a visa application pro, I took care of our visa applications.
I have to say it is much a simpler process to apply for visas to China as long as you don’t ask for multiple entries. I don’t need to waste paper to print out my last 6 months bank statements and provide crap such as the proof of itinerary. But I was asked to bring my Chinese passport with me since this is the first time I have applied for a visa to China as a former Chinese passport holder. I knew something was going to happen.
We arrived at Chinese Consulate located in downtown Toronto. It was a long line. Not even a minute later, Ron started to complain about the disorder. As a human being used to a quiet life in Waterloo, he is not made for cities and crowds. I told him this is the first test to go to China, if you can not even make it to the end of the visa application, don’t even think you can survive in Shanghai. He went to China to visit my family with me once, he survived despite the endless complaints. Shanghai is definitely not a place for him.  Finally we handed in our applications. The visa officer told me that since my Chinese passport was still valid, he will have to destroy it. I said OK. I was prepared something like that to happen, but when he was using his scissors to cut my Chinese passport right in front of me, it hit me.
As if this is not enough, right at my side, Ron said: “You officially lost your Chinese citizenship, and remember, it is not Canadian government’s fault. “
It’s not the quiet Waterloo life that makes me complain about the disorder of the Chinese consulate. It’s my nerd/engineer personality. When I see something that’s broken, but nobody in a position to fix it cares, it makes me angry.
When you routinely have lines running out the door, something is broken. When you have two parallel lines, and nobody at the back of the lines can tell which line is the right one to be in, something is very broken.
But there’s one relief: at least there _were_ lines, and people stood in them. In China, it would just be an unruly mob.
I remember reading that before the Olympics, the Chinese government was trying to change that behaviour, before the tourists arrived. They actually went so far as to have guards with whips to keep people in line.
I am also torn apart by on this matter. On one hand, Canadian citizenship gave you so much freedom to where you want to travel and live; on the other hand, it’s the land that gave you life and raised you.
I’m a total utilitarian and believe that country exists to serve its citizens. I am ready to surrender my Chinese passport.
But just imagining my passport cut up in front of me, and being greeted as laowai gives me itches. A sense of denial and loneliness emerges, like a small part of my identity is being lost, even though I know that it makes me no less Chinese than someone still holds a Chinese passport.
I became a Canadian , but before I get my Canadian passport, I have lost my Chinese passport. It makes me really sad. I feel like I am lost!